I'm Baaaaaaack!

           I know you are all very excited to have me back to fill the void that was left in your hearts. ;) In reality there are probably many of you who won't even notice that I am back. That's a-okay with me! I'm going to try something a little different and the less people read the better! haha

           It's been a long, like 4 score and 7 years ago long, that I have felt comfortable in my own skin. Generally I'm happy. Or so I think I am, and I can usually make people believe that I am anyways. But underneath it all I struggle. Nobody wants to be an almost 29 single lady that nobody wants to put a ring on it. Then there is of course the 29 year battle I have had with my weight. Thank God for my height or you would be disgusted I'm sure. Ok maybe not, but that is how I often feel. I always feel like hiding who I am. That is why in the heat of the summer you can be sure to see me in jeans. I own exactly one pair of shorts, and never wear them around groups of people I know. In fact I hate summer. Don't get me wrong I am over joyed that there is no more blistering cold wind, or heavy wet snow to get me soggy. I hate it for the simple reason that I have to come out of hiding. Hiding under over sized sweatshirts, and jackets that cover what I can't stand to look at most days. I haven't admitted that to a lot of people. It's hard to let people in on the secrets of your life! (but I am comforted that only about 2 people will read this ;)

        Back to why I have revived this blog. 12 weeks. Did you know that is how long it takes to make an impact on your health. Doesn't seem like a long time at all huh? I am hoping to make an impact on mine. A group of us at work actually did a 12 week challenge to see who could lose the most weight. Everyone paid $20 and the race was on. Except after the first week...I gave up. I flat out gave up. In the deepest recesses of my mind I knew I couldn't do it. So I played along saying I was trying when really only about 1/4 of my heart actually cared. The no good terrible thing about it...It was MY idea to do the weight challenge. I thought for sure that by making it a competition and involving money I would be more motivated. Clearly, I was wrong. After 12 weeks I had only lost 0.8 oz. Not even a full pound!!!  Disaster in the biggest of ways.

        My mind is in a different mode now. I hate dieting. I mean hate hate hate it with a the fiery passion of hell hate it! And I've been doing it since I was at least 12 yrs old. That is more than half of my life! It shouldn't be this hard to get where I want to be. And yet it is, and it gets harder and harder every time it doesn't work. I don't ever want to be on a diet again! Obviously I can't say that and it be completely true, cuz I know who I am and how I work. I just want to be happy in my body. Not afraid to walk around in shorts and a t-shirt. Never having to worry about 'hiding" again.

       About a month or so ago I heard the worst news ever. Actually it was my biggest most dreaded fear in life. A so called 'friend' of mine told another friend that if he were my boyfriend he would have to dump me because I had gotten so fat. Yes, it was my worst nightmare come true. That the reason why I am still single is because I am too fat for anybody to love. Oh how the heavens hated me that day. I cursed, and cursed some more. But I didn't cry over it. I don't know why exactly, usually something like that would have sent me in to fits of sobs. It didn't happen this time. Instead in the back of my mind I thought to myself, "I am going to make you eat your words by getting hot and shoving it in your face!"

              I don't think people know how hard I've tried to better my self in the past ump-teen years. It never seems to show. I am determined to make it show this time! In 72 days I will turn 29. I want to celebrate this year with a sense of accomplishment. That I did something I never thought was possible. It's 11 weeks to my birthday, not quite the 12 weeks I told you about, but in those 11 weeks I am hoping for a small victory. 10 lbs. That's only a small dent in what I really want to lose. Baby steps. I have to keep telling myself baby steps. This will not be a diet, no, in fact it will be a change of heart. Where 100% means happiness. I decided that the time to hide is over, so to make sure I don't; the blog has re-opened for business. I will give at least a weekly account as to how I am doing hopefully motivating me to do better! Sorry for the long post, I wrote WAY more than I intended. Hope that's ok.